By Andrea Nemerson

Jealous, schmealous

DEAR ANDREA: I'm engaged, and all is great except ... he's in the process of becoming a sex therapist. Not the type who actually has sex with clients, but he will advise them on gender, relationships, and sexuality issues (his training is of the "tantric" variety). I find this brings up jealousy and possessiveness I've never seen in myself before. When I know he's talking about sex with others, I become very jealous and want to push him away. Of course jealousy is normal, but I couldn't find a more loyal, faithful, devoted man – I totally trust him not to cheat. It's just the simple fact of him focusing on sexuality a lot outside of our relationship that bothers me. I know I should be grateful I've found such a loving man, but it's just there. Furthermore, I know he's really good at what he does. My jealousy has caused much damage and could eventually kill the relationship if I let it. But I've been working on it, and it's getting easier. Still, I cannot seem to fully shake it. Any words of wisdom?

Love,
Tantra Schmantra

Dear Schmantra: I usually chose people's pseudonyms for them, but we ought to let everyone know that you chose your own and that it made me laugh out loud. That's the good news. The bad news is that I don't think your guy is actually "becoming a sex therapist" as the phrase is commonly understood: training to become a marriage and family therapist (an MFT or MFCC) or a board-certified sexologist. A licensed therapist can never touch his or her clients beyond a professional handshake or perhaps a somewhat standoffish pat on the back, plus, tantra is a spiritual or sexual-spiritual discipline, not a therapy model. I suspect your sweetie is, in fact, training to become some tantra guy (an STG) or a random person offering sex advice (an RPOSA), or at least I hope so, just as I hope he isn't passing himself off as a licensed therapist based on a couple of weekends spent deep-breathing in the redwoods. I'm not saying you have to be a licensed therapist in order to be helpful – I'm not one – but claiming to be one when you're not is a violation of just about every ethical and moral system I can name. If he's doing that, could you ask him to cut it out, please? You'd be doing all of us a favor.

Now, about your jealousy: you already know your response is out of proportion and out of bounds. You may know, intellectually, that talking about sex with other people in no way implies or fosters infidelity. What can a person do when subject to intrusive, obsessive thoughts and feelings he or she knows are destructive but can't seem to control? Well, I hate to say it, but that person could see a therapist – a licensed, non-tantric, "you sit over there, and I'll sit over here, and we'll talk"-type therapist.

Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea: My girlfriend became a sex worker about a year ago, so I appreciated your column "Scout's Honor," as it addressed many of the issues I've been facing. My girlfriend, who only advertises full-body sensual massage, invites oral sex from her "massage" clients. She has full intercourse with selected clients when she feels like it. She clearly likes the thrill of constant anonymous sex more than she wants the stability of commitment, with me or anyone. I now account for a tiny fraction of her orgasms.

Other than "get a new girlfriend," do you have any suggestions?

Love,
Baffled

Dear Baf: Where I come from (I mean the San Francisco sex community, not Connecticut), "ethical slut" is a term of honor. I have, for instance, often been heard bemoaning the fact that I, happily partnered and admittedly unadventurous, am insufficiently slutty myself, a failed slut, if you will – so I hope you will not take it amiss when I say your girlfriend is a slut. The "ethical" part depends on negotiation and kept promises, of which I've seen no evidence either way.

Lots of women fantasize about becoming prostitutes – open to all comers, wheee! – but most who actually take up sex work do so short-term, for the money, and it's a happy thing for them if they find themselves capable of enjoying the work for the duration. Women who go pro out of pure greedy desire to have sex with strangers all day (plus money!) are few, far between, and usually fictional, but either your girlfriend is one of the few or she's doing a very credible impression. If you've registered your dismay and she isn't interested in making any accommodation, you've already guessed what I'm going to say: new girlfriend for you. Ask the next one if she's planning any major career changes before you get serious.

Love,
Andrea

E-mail Andrea Nemerson at andrea@altsexcolumn.com.